Used with permission from ETSY...
I've been thinking...
Today, I've been thinking about I'm stalling going to get measured for my Halloween Costume... and the reason why... and I've literally caught myself doing something which I've learned through therapy that I'm guilty of doing countless times in my life...
I'm stalling because I'm hoping I'll run out of time and then I won't be able to get this custom made costume...
... because the thought of getting measured... has me feeling all sorts of insecure.
Now, this isn't a new feeling for me, it's one I'd just compartmentalize in the past. If I had to have an unpleasant conversation with a colleague or friend, or if I had to explain something which someone wouldn't like or would take personally, I'd put off doing whatever until the last minute, and then, I'd just handle it last minute hoping the unpleasantness would go away.
The difference now, is I am aware of it... and I caught myself doing it.
This insecurity - about my body image - my weight and whatnot, is just another example of something I've only recently learned in life that I've been dealing with since I was a kid. Insecurities and just not wanting to face them. I've been able, in life, to cocoon myself around them, but, truth, I've always been insecure about certain things - even things I've become a master at. For whatever reason, it's held me back, and now, facing them, and facing them head on in this instance, I can say, I've had a first. A breakthrough... and as I process my way forward, I'm looking forward to just being okay... with me.
Life is a journey we take one step at a time. One moment at a time. And I think my mental health journey has been very similar. Every day, every week, lately, since I went to work on working on myself, I've been able to uncover new things about me along the way... and hopefully, I'll continue to overcome some of these things which may have been holding me back.
So, does this mean I'm going to the tailor today? Yeah... can I find one of those at Zips or do I need to go to the men's clothing store? Either way, I'm on it. God knows I can't do it myself! I also reserve the right to go tomorrow... because I've been thinking there's something else I need to get done for me... which I've wanted to do... for almost 19 years... and I haven't.
Why? Insecurity. Compartmentalization. Not thinking - or doing - what it is which makes me happy... not doing things... for me.
Because that's a thing, too. More on that to come, as well...
I'm Toby Knapp... and I've been thinking.
It's refreshing to be able to share this stuff with you. Thank you for reading...